What Everyone Wants for Christmas

They’re not that different from us, I whisper to my middle child, the girl on my lap whose ponytail’s tickling my nose.

But she’s not so sure, so I introduce her to Lena, who likes arts and crafts and makes her own jewelry, and Ruth, who loves her cat and can’t wait for Christmas.

The band starts to play, and Santa’s on the drums, and soon everyone is on their feet. But my girl, she sits close to me, she lets the candy cane slowly melt in her mouth before she moves. She’s still wearing her coat.

Santa on the Drums

My Middle Child

But I feel at home here, surrounded by people like this, people who just want to be loved. And maybe it’s because my mom spent so much time taking care of the Lenas and the Ruths of the world, and people like Stanley, who hopes the New York Giants win today, and Juan, whose greatest joy in life is being an uncle.

Or maybe it’s because I just want to be loved, too.

But I understand my daughter’s hesitation. I understand her fear. It was just a couple months ago when we sat together at the dentist’s office, when a woman in the waiting room became extremely agitated and began shouting nonsense and obsenities and pumping her fist at the sky. No one in the room spoke, and everyone tried not to stare while her caretaker tried to calm the woman down.

It was then, too, that I pulled my youngest daughter on my lap and whispered our common ground, “I don’t think she likes coming to the dentist either.” 

But after the appointment, she asked me about the akward encounter, why the woman acted that way and why God made her the way He did.

And I explained, “When some people are born,when they’re still inside their mommies’ bellies, their brains sometimes get hurt. And when they grow up, they sometimes have trouble doing everyday things.”

“Like going to the dentist?” she wondered.

“Yes, like going to the dentist,” I answered.

“But why was she so upset?”

“She was probably nervous,” I said, “and it probably frustrated her that no one understood her or her feelings.”

My daughter didn’t ask any more questions and she seemed satisfied with that answer, but for weeks I looked for more tangible ways to teach her. Then a friend told me about a Christmas party her church was hosting at a nearby group home, and they were looking for some help. So I signed us up.

So here we are, at the party, and it’s time to make a craft. My oldest daughter volunteers to help a woman whose hands won’t stop trembling. And soon others need help assembling their foam gingerbread houses, too. So my girl, Lilla, and I, we peel back stickers and find red doors and attach snowy chimneys, and we walk around the tables praising their work.

“Can I take this home and put it on my dresser?” Billy looks up at me hopeful, and I tell him that’d be the perfect place, and Lilla nods shyly in agreement.

Then Kim, whose birthday is tomorrow and she hasn’t stopped smiling, asks me for a cup of coffee, and when I go to the counter to get it, Lilla asks if she can take it to her.

I hand the steaming styrofoam cup to my daughter and kiss her forehead, telling her to be careful, the coffee is hot. And for the next twenty minutes she’s pouring lemonade and delivering coffee and plating cookies and pretzels and chips, and she’s never looked more like her daddy than she does right now, doing what they both do best: helping people.

The band’s playing again, and I look around the room. My oldest and her best friend are dancing barefoot in the back of the church, but I don’t see the turquoise coat anywhere, the one Lilla’s been wearing all afternoon.

But there, in the front row, I see a ponytail, her coat hanging on the back of the chair, her feet swinging under her seat. She’s surrounded by enthusiastic air guitarists dancing happy, and she’s sitting among them with a plate full of barbeque chips, and anyone who knows her knows that’s when she’s happiest, too.

And I know Christmas is still two weeks away, but already I’ve seen Emmanual come. God is with us. He’s here in this church, in the faces of the people we’ve met, with their missing teeth and disheveled clothes and broken brains. He is here.

And when my girls and I, when we reach out to help them, to help Him, He moves into our hearts and blesses us all. We are wrapped together in love.

And I can’t think of a better gift to give my daughters this Christmas than that.

“What you did to the least of these, you have done to me…” (Mt 25:40)

When You’re Tempted to Buy Your Own Kid’s Press

She hangs her heart on the wall while a steady stream of people walk by.

“Did you draw this?” They ask the small girl perched in the corner, the one who can’t stop drawing for a second, not even tonight when her art’s on public display.

“Yes,” she says shyly, smiling under the rim of that black hat.

“Wow,” they say again and again, bedazzled like the peace sign covering her head.

And again with a timid smile she responds humbly,”Thank you.”

Rainey @ Art Show

Rainey @ Art Show

I stand at a safe distance, close enough to hear these conversations but far enough to allow her some space, some breathing room in a room crowded with artists, buyers, and friends.

Others ask, “are these for sale?” and she looks over at me, eyes dancing in my direction, and I mouth the words we talked about, the ones her dad and I agreed on at the last minute, and she replies, “No, they’re just for show.”

I sense the disappointment in her voice, even though I can barely hear it above the clamor of the studio. She wants to sell some of her art, so people can enjoy it, she tells me, so she can donate the proceeds to school children in Haiti. And I understand her ambition. I appreciate her motives.

But after an hour at this place, I’m unwavered. I’m happily standing my ground.

Because art buyers have stopped by and they’ve handed me their cards. They’ve told me to call them, to set up meetings at their galleries. Prominent artists talk business with her dad and me, offering advice on what to sell and for how much, calling her a “commodity” who’s painting us “gold bricks.” And it leaves us stunned, overwhelmed, our heads spinning.

Rainey @ Art Show

Rainey @ Art Show

Even after the show, after we’ve packed up the car, stopped at Dairy Queen, and driven the fifty miles home, after we’ve congratulated her a hundred times and tucked her in bed, we’re still dizzy. Our eyes close, but we can’t sleep.

The next day we get online, we search for art schools in the city, the ones we’re told she needs to attend, the ones with a seven percent acceptance rate, and I reconsider selling her art to pay the tuition. I’m caught up in the hype, in the hussle to groom her and get ahead of the competition.

Less than a week ago we were frantically scanning the walls, surveying sketchbooks, and searching drawers, desks, and refrigerator doors to find her very best pieces, the kitchen table disappearing under a pile of canvases and cut-outs. Miles and money racked up as we traveled to various craft stores buying frames and matting, foam board and glue spots, easels and cardstock.

Rainey's Art

Rainey's ArtRainey's Art

I called my mom the day before the exhibition, anxious, jittery, a hairy ball of stress.

“I don’t know why I’m such a basket case,” I tried explaining to her. “It’s Rainey’s show, and she’s fine. I’m the one who’s a mess.”

“Do you think it’s because she’s growing up?” my mom asked calmly. “Because her dreams are coming true?”

And I knew she was on to something, I knew she had a point. Becoming an artist is all my daughter’s ever talked about, all she’s ever wanted since she first drew that picture of a one-eared pig when she was two. And her dreams are fragile, like her, and worth protecting. But there was more to it than that.

I close the laptop now, and think about this a dozen more times – at the grocery store, during dinner, while decorating the house for Christmas the night after the show. And when I tuck myself in bed, when I prop up my pillows and open my Advent devotions, I’m relieved to see a mother who can relate.

Her name is Mary, and the baby she’s expecting is Pretty Important, too. He’s got big plans, big dreams, dreams that will one day save the world. But what does Mary do about it? Does she freak out like me? Does she call the papers and line up the interviews, maybe billboard His big debut?

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. – Luke 2:19

And when He’s a little bit older, only a couple years past my daughter’s age, when He, too, wows the crowd and amazes everyone at the Temple, her response is the same:

But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.  – Luke 2:51

And slowly, like a work of art hanging in a gallery, the big picture comes into view, bringing with it the peace and perspective stolen from me the past few days.

I remember that my children belong to Him. And they’re not here to impress people, to prove they’re important, or to promote themselves. They’re not here even to be relevant or successful by the world’s standards. They’re here to please Him.

And somehow knowing this brings me tremendous freedom. Freedom to treasure the amazing experience we shared Friday night with our daughter, to ponder who she is and all she hopes to be. And to pray that His dreams for all of our children will someday come true.

“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillent of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing.” – Oswald Chambers

One Thousand Gifts (46-63)

Sorry the list is a little late this week, folks. The flu is stampeding like a thousand wild horses through this house again. That must be the hard eucharisteo the book was talking about. {Grin.}

SunsetStorytimeRoadside RoosterFriends at Art ShowLaundry PileBig BlueChristmas BookJesse TreeSpinning Top46. A sunset on the way home from afternoon tea.

47. That freckle near the corner of his eye.

48. Unplugging the heating pad and putting it away.

49. Reading a favorite book with a big sister.

50. A roadside rooster on our backroad adventure.

51. Friends who come to support her.

52. Honesty from a trusted teacher.

53. The laundry of a sick child.

54. The sweet reunion between a tummy-sick boy and his freshly laundered blanket.

55. The smell of an old Christmas favorite.

56. Lesson planning, whining, hard school days.

57. Untying the bumpers of his crib.

58. A disheartening message.

59. A dying dog.

60. Doing this (almost) every night at dinner.

61. Realizing that needing Him is the key to knowing Him.

62. My favorite nurse, for making the all-night vigil.

63. A spinning top for a crazy-delighted boy.

One Thousand Gifts

One Thousand Gifts (28-45)

We’re busy here, cleaning up after a very fun and very full Thanksgiving weekend and getting ready for Rainey’s first semi-sort-of-professional art showing this Friday, so I appreciate a little grace and understanding for just posting the list this week…

Those Eyelashes

Those BunsThose Buns

Cat on the Table

Sitting at the Kids Table Again

Stringing Christmas Lights

Hijacked Camera

"I will set the day to bake!"

Having Too Many to Choose From

28. A mom who listens long and validates my mama bear instincts.

29. Train whistles and church bells, hearing both from my living room.

30. Those eyelashes, those buns.

31. His late night run to the grocery store for more green beans.

32. Cat on the dining room table minutes before company comes.

33. Sitting at the kids table again.

34. Teamwork in the kitchen.

35. Stringing Christmas lights, even if only half of them light up.

36. A hijacked camera, seeing things from her perspective.

37. My identity in Christ and a friend who reminds me of it.

38. Shopping trips where the thing spent most is time together.

39. Finally finding a sturdy shoe rack on sale.

40. Misunderstandings and migraines.

41. Naked trees revealing beauty behind their branches.

42. Sunday’s sermon challenging me to believe that I can overcome anything by this.

43. Singing Christmas carols with broken strings and borrowed guitars, then cueing them up at home and blaring them in the kitchen.

44. Pulling a Mrs. Biddlebox.

45. Having too many to choose from.

One Thousand Gifts

One Thousand Gifts (18-27)

His name is Ken, and we meet under the most unusual circumstances.

It’s Saturday, and the Montour Preserve is hosting a Wildlife Artist Expo. I drive my oldest – the one who announced at her preschool graduation that she wanted to be a wildlife artist when she grew up – the scenic twenty minutes it takes to get there, past the farmer’s market, the Amish boys behind horse-drawn plows, the towering smokestacks of the power plant.

We arrive at the environmental education center where she shyly tucks her sketch pad under her fleece, a strange combination of eagerness and embarassment about showing off her work to the “real” artists inside. We enter the modest room where bird calls are coming from a CD player in the back, where a dozen or so exhibitors are set up, displaying ducks and wild turkeys carved from wood, oil paintings of winter scenes and white-tailed buck, and photographs of blue jays, cardinals, and red-bellied woodpeckers.

“This is awesome,” she whispers to me, and all eyes turn to watch this little girl, fascinated, as she slowly and carefully takes a closer look at each creation.

A photographer engages her in pleasant conversation about the life stages of a butterfly, the amazing metamorphisis he’s captured on film, and another offers her a complimentary portrait of three blue jays feeding on an old tree stump after she blushes and bares a few samples from her slightly concealed portfolio.

“To encourage her budding talent,” he tells us.

She thanks him silly, and we walk past more wood carvings, more watercolors and more smiling, friendly artists. We almost complete the circle around the room, the keys are in my hand ready to leave, but something catches her eye.

It’s a small table, not much bigger than a card table, and a few neutral-colored frames are spread out across its surface. She takes a few steps towards it, and suddenly she’s waving me closer. I’m by her side now, crouching low, and I’m intrigued, too, when I see several highly-detailed pictures painted on the faces of autumn leaves.

The artist is nowhere to be seen, just a framed picture of a young man and his bio accompany the display. So Rainey starts firing questions at the woman monitoring the table instead.

“How does he preserve each leaf? What kind of paint brushes does he use? What kind of paint? Does he use a magnifying glass? How old is he? How does he find all those leaves?”

The woman smiles politely at Rainey’s enthusiasm, and looks around the room before lowering her voice and leaning in closer to say, “Actually, it’s kind of a sad story.”

She tells us the story of Ken, the tale of a troubled childhood, of an abandoned man-boy, and how he taught himself to paint just six years ago at the age of 22. Cindy, the woman behind the table telling us the story, met Ken through a prison ministry, and she and her husband quickly “adopted” him and encouraged him to pursue his new hobby. Now Ken, who relies solely on the leaves that blow into the prison yard, spends his days behind bars painting nature scenes on his chlorophyl-faded canvases, and Cindy spends hers quietly showing them to the world.

The story captivates both of us, the paintings take on a whole new beauty, and I want to reach out and squeeze this woman, this spiritual mother, who’s taken a budding artist, like mine, under her wing, too.

But Rainey picks a framed leaf instead, the one with a tiny, fluffy duckling swimming in a pond, and we pay a small price, knowing that what little money Ken earns from it he will probably use to buy art supplies, and we thank Cindy for her time, for her story, and for her ministry to the least of these.

Leaf

The whole way home, as I watch the farms and fields around me falling asleep, the last of the autumn leaves giving way to winter, I can’t help but think of Ken and Cindy and how, like nature and its seasons, we witnessed a change that afternoon, the kind that can transform a human heart when it knows it is really, truly loved, and it makes me offer thanks…

Field in Fall

Tree in Fall

Leaf

Homemade Drumset

Dirty hands with worm

Littlest Helper

Littlest Helper

Open the Front Door

18. For what has been and what’s to come.

19. How God can open doors, even prison doors, for new life to enter in, for beauty to shine out.

20. Sisters helping each other with morning chores.

21. Back pain that brings me to my knees.

22. Friends who answer the call to travel to faraway places to be His hands and feet, for inspiring my daughter to do the same.

23. Homemade drumsets.

24. Girls night in.

25. Made-up words (That one’s for you, Candace.).

26. Dirt-caked hands busy in the garden, young yardwork helpers.

27. Front doors open wide on a warm November day…

{Pssst…if you would like to send Ken a card in prison to lift his spirits this Christmas, shoot me an email and I’ll send you his address.}

One Thousand Gifts

How She Sees Me

When our eyes meet, she smiles. Two artists sitting across the table from each other, scribbling hard, both telling stories.

Her assignment: draw the face of a family member, and I’m happy she picks me. I’m honored to be her muse.

“Don’t yell at me if you look hideous,” she warns as we get started.

But when her eyes widen, when she twirls that strand of hair between her fingers and rubs it against her lips, I know she’s focused. I know she’s in the zone.

I try to keep still, try not to be a difficult subject, but I can’t resist moving my pencil, too, jotting down details to remember later. How she sometimes rests her chin on the sketch pad. How she raises her right eyebrow and smirks when she likes what she sees. How she’s wrapped in purple and pink and peace signs.

“I can’t get your smile quite right,” she confesses and bows over her tablet, furrows her brow and erases hard.

She tilts her head, takes another look, then says, “but I think I solved the problem of your droopy eye.”

And I wonder how she’s fixed in five minutes something that’s plagued me all my life, how she’s managed to smudge out my flaws.

She puts down her pencil, flips over her handiwork, and I come face to face with myself.

How She Sees Me

“I made you look young,” she says, hoping I approve.

And I laugh wildly, remembering what her younger sister said just a few days ago when she found an old wedding picture.

“Mom, you look just like you did when you were a teenager.”

And I think they must not notice the gray hair. The crow’s feet. The sagging skin. All the things the magazines say should scare me.

But I’m not scared. I’m not afraid of the signs and scars that made me the woman I am today.

And I smile at my portrait and the artist that made me a mother, and I tell her nobody’s ever drawn me so beautifully.

One Thousand Gifts (1-17)

Okay, I’ll admit it: I hate Thanksgiving dinner. The Pumpkin pie, the turkey and stuffing, the cranberry sauce. All of it.

I know. It sounds un-American, almost Scrooge-like, but honestly, I’d rather order pizza. My husband refuses, though, because he LURVES it. All of it. Right down to the giblets.

So every year he’s in charge of fixing the Thanksgiving feast. Since he enjoys both the menu and the culinary challenge of preparing it, who am I to stand in his way? Heck, I’m happy just to sit on the couch and watch the parade while he slaves away in the kitchen.

But this year I’m starting a new tradition, and I don’t mean cooking the colonial beans or asking for seconds of the yam puff. Nope, this year, I’m making a list, a Thanksgiving list, based on the book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.

I read the book this summer, and it’s challenged me to look at my life through the lens of gratitude, to accept everything God gives, good or bad, as gracious gifts. The result? A life of limitless joy. Now that’s something I can sink my teeth into.

So, dear Internet, here’s my list. Join me every Monday as I count my way to one thousand (and feel free to add your own in the comments!).

1. God.

2. Jesus.

3. Love.

(Let’s just get those three out of the way right up front. I want extra points in Sunday School.)

Footie pajamas

Peacock

Angel

Leaf-y Joy!

Sunrise

Barn

Science Experiment

4. Footie pajamas and the tiny people that wear them in this house.

5. Peacocks and snow angels.

6. Handwritten apologies accompanied by Milky Ways and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

7. Leaf-y joy!

8. Embers in the fireplace on a cold morning.

9. A long stretch of sunny days.

10. Friends who are as generous as they are creative. (Thank you, Jody Hayes, for the awesome new logo!)

11. Sunrises and barns on my Tuesday morning commute.

12. Doing schoolwork with a cat on my lap.

13. A husband who reads and wrestles and cuddles with kiddos at bedtime (and cooks Thanksgiving dinner).

14. The flu making its way through our family this weekend.

15. Science experiments that actually work.

16. Getting off with just a warning.

17. Stargazing walks through the neighborhood, finding Jupiter…

One Thousand Gifts