Strictly for the Birds

Recently I gave Rainey a writing assigment:

Think back to when you had a happy experience and remember where you were and what happened. Were you alone or with someone else? When did this happen? What were your thoughts at the time, and what did people say? How did you feel? Write a story about that happy experience.

She chose to write about a field trip we took to a nature preserve a couple weeks ago, and she asked if I’d write about it, too. Below is the result, hers first, followed by mine. Enjoy!

by Rainey

I was just finishing my vocabulary when Mom said, “Who wants to go to the Montour Preserve?” I was so happy that I grabbed all of my nature journals.

“I haven’t been there in a long time,” I said to my little sister, Lilla. She grabbed her nature journals, too.

We all got in the car. At this point I was so excited I thought I was going to explode. With every mile I got more anxious. Finally we pulled into the parking lot. We were the only ones there.

When we went inside, it was cooler than I remembered. There were animal exhibits. I ran to the American Kestrel. I pushed a button and a narrator taught me about the kestrel. My mom also showed me Indian artifacts. As soon as I finished looking at the exhibit, Mom asked, “Rainey, remember this?”

I looked over to where Mom was pointing. It was a bird spotting area! Mom told me to walk slowly so I wouldn’t scare the birds away. I did, but the birds flew away anyway. After I sat down, I started to see birds coming out of the woods. Golden finches perched in the trees. Chickadees climbed in the bushes. Cardinals pecked at the ground with song sparrows. White-breasted nuthatches and woodpeckers ate away at corn in a feeder. I took a lot of pictures.

American Goldfinch

Cardinal

WoodpeckerAt last Mom said it was time to go. On the way home I thought about all the things I learned and saw. That afternoon we had some tea and peanut butter fudge and read more about birds.

“Let’s make our own bird feeder,” I suggested to Lilla. We ran outside to collect pine cones. We covered them in peanut butter and used cracker crumbs because we couldn’t find the bird seed. We hung them up and waited. Then we started to play.

“Let’s see if any animals ate our treats,” I said to Lilla later.

We found two pine cones missing.

“Our plan has been successful!” I cheered. I had a very fun day.

by Mom

I wake early to put another log on the fire while a hundred fifty miles west of here a rodent stands poised to prognosticate what I dread most: six more weeks of winter.

I make myself some chai in the dark, listen to the crackling fire, and wait for his “prediction.” Today’s forecast calls for unseasonably mild temperatures, and with a relatively snowless winter so far, I’m pretty confident spring is on its way.

But moments later Phil disagrees, and I shake my head in disgust. I never did like groundhogs. But I forge ahead with my day, determined not to let a century-old superstition bring me down.

After breakfast I tell the girls to grab their coats and nature journals, we’re going on a field trip. And you’d think I just announced we’re headed for Disney World, they’re that excited. Seems I’m not the only one around here with cabin fever.

We drive under cloudy skies to the nature preserve and have the whole place to ourselves, another perk of this homeschooling gig. We listen to the American Kestrel kiosk, identify the mammals of Montour County and trace the paths native tribes once traversed in these parts. Mostly, though, I watch my children explore, see where their curiousity takes them.

It takes my oldest around the corner, to the bird sanctuary where she spots a dozen or so birds feeding. She’s mesmerized, trying to capture them all on film.

Bird Sanctuary

Bird Feeder

Bird on BranchSong SparrowShe could stay all day, she even asks me to, but the dirty diaper and napping needs of my youngest hasten us home.

Later, during afternoon tea time, she reads about birds in winter, how they survive, what they eat, how they stay warm. She dons a labcoat from the dress-up chest, the one she labeled ”animal scientist” with fabric markers, then sketches the anatomy of a bird on the chalkboard. Next she gathers field journals from the downstairs bin.

I’ve retreated to the couch for a power nap, content with minds and bodies fed, while she gathers pinecones and slathers them with what’s left from our peanut butter jar. She sprinkles them with cracker crumbs and takes her treats outside, along with her sister, and waits for the birds to come. She waits and watches. She’s ditched her labcoat on the porch, those unseasonable temperatures rising. And all afternoon our backyard becomes the avenue aviary.

Back inside, I brush dirt and crumbs from the counters and wipe peanut butter smudges off the cupboard door and smile. I think of summer days, like the one last July, when I sat on our patio sipping sweet tea, studying scripture like she’s studying the wingspan of a woodpecker now. I was looking for some direction for our science curriculum this year, and I read this, and it deeply struck me:

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world – Psalm 19:1-4

I remember deciding right there and then that it’s not enough to teach my kids about birds and stars and seasons. It’s not enough to tell them that God created everything. A good teacher would inspire them to look for His fingerprints everywhere. A good teacher would lead them toward a life of wonder. A good teacher would make worship the ultimate lesson plan.

I’m not always that teacher. But some days I surprise myself (and them). Like today, which started out cold and cursed by rodents but ended up full of wonder and worship and warbling anyway.

I agree with Rainey. I had a very fun day, too.

How to Pray When Kids (and Grown-Ups) are Mean

This is a re-post of a piece I wrote last year. I wanted to include it in this week’s Practices of Parenting Carnival over at Emerging Mummy. Sarah Bessey was kind enough to invite other bloggers to share what we do (or try to do) to help us enjoy parenting, and for me, pointing my kids to Christ is what makes mothering not easy and sometimes not enjoyable but definitely worth it. I hope this post proves that.

I have this prayer I like force myself to pray when my feelings have been hurt. A friend gave it to me a few years ago when I was deeply offended by someone I cared about, and on several occasions since then, especially when I’m terribly tempted to feel sorry for myself, I open my prayer journal, and turn to this page:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

(Litany of Humility, by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X)

Praying this litany is hard enough when I’m hurting, but praying it for my children when they are hurting, too, is almost unbearable. And I should know. I tried to this morning.

Without getting into the specifics, one of my daughters was recently wounded by a friend. She was feeling insulted and ignored, excluded and picked over, and she came to me for help. Truthfully, after hearing her story, my first instinct was to drive to the offender’s house, take her by the ankles and hurl her through the air like a discus. But the sensible, law-abiding, side of me stayed with my daughter, rubbing her back, listening.

Once she quieted down, with eyes red and swollen from crying, she searched my face for sage advice.

At this point, I knew I had a choice as a parent. I could counsel my daughter to be strong, to squash her sensitivities and seek revenge. I could tell her to ditch this friend and find a new one, someone who’d appreciate and admire her unique personality, her silly sense of humor. I could also offer to drive to the friend’s house, take her by the ankles and hurl her through the air like a discus.

But, instead, the words I chose to say were these:

“I know how hurt you must be, Sweetheart, and I’m so sorry that your friend did that to you. Have you considered taking your pain to Jesus? He’s the only one who can properly handle your heart.”

She hugged her pillow, took a choppy breath in, and shook her head.

“I know you want to protect yourself, to build up walls around your heart where you think you will be safe, but again, I’d ask you to consider taking your fear to Jesus. He’s the only one who really knows how to protect us.”

She still didn’t say anything. She usually doesn’t when she knows I might be right. So we prayed. We prayed for her heart and her pain, for Jesus to rush in and hold those pieces together that felt like they were breaking apart, and we asked that he’d help us trust him to keep our hearts safe. Then we prayed for her friend, for forgiveness and for the places in her heart where she may be wounded, too, because hurt people hurt people, and she could probably use a little healing herself.

After that, we talked a little longer, giggled a little louder, and snuggled long past the fireflies came out. But this morning when I woke up, with the situation still fresh on my mind and heavy on my heart, I turned to that old tattered page in my journal and prayed, but this time, a little differently.

“From the desire of my children being loved,
From the desire of my children being preferred,
From the desire of my children being approved, Deliver me, Jesus…

“From the fear of my children being despised,
From the fear of my children being forgotten,
From the fear of my children being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus…

“That others may be loved more than my children, that others may be chosen andmy children set aside, that others may be preferred to my children in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.”

And it was the worst thing I’ve ever prayed. It not only felt unnatural, it felt sickening, like I was laying down their lives on the slab of sacrifice, giving approval to their death.

But by praying this way for myself and my children, I realized God’s not asking me to invite insults and abuse into our lives; he’s asking me to live in total confidence of his love and protection for us when those injuries inevitably come. I’m not placing their hearts on that slab but in the security of God’s love which he so clearly demonstrated by giving up his own Son for us all.

And for the first and probably only time in my life, I understood a little bit what it’s like to be him.

EmergingMummy.com

What Everyone Wants for Christmas

They’re not that different from us, I whisper to my middle child, the girl on my lap whose ponytail’s tickling my nose.

But she’s not so sure, so I introduce her to Lena, who likes arts and crafts and makes her own jewelry, and Ruth, who loves her cat and can’t wait for Christmas.

The band starts to play, and Santa’s on the drums, and soon everyone is on their feet. But my girl, she sits close to me, she lets the candy cane slowly melt in her mouth before she moves. She’s still wearing her coat.

Santa on the Drums

My Middle Child

But I feel at home here, surrounded by people like this, people who just want to be loved. And maybe it’s because my mom spent so much time taking care of the Lenas and the Ruths of the world, and people like Stanley, who hopes the New York Giants win today, and Juan, whose greatest joy in life is being an uncle.

Or maybe it’s because I just want to be loved, too.

But I understand my daughter’s hesitation. I understand her fear. It was just a couple months ago when we sat together at the dentist’s office, when a woman in the waiting room became extremely agitated and began shouting nonsense and obsenities and pumping her fist at the sky. No one in the room spoke, and everyone tried not to stare while her caretaker tried to calm the woman down.

It was then, too, that I pulled my youngest daughter on my lap and whispered our common ground, “I don’t think she likes coming to the dentist either.” 

But after the appointment, she asked me about the akward encounter, why the woman acted that way and why God made her the way He did.

And I explained, “When some people are born,when they’re still inside their mommies’ bellies, their brains sometimes get hurt. And when they grow up, they sometimes have trouble doing everyday things.”

“Like going to the dentist?” she wondered.

“Yes, like going to the dentist,” I answered.

“But why was she so upset?”

“She was probably nervous,” I said, “and it probably frustrated her that no one understood her or her feelings.”

My daughter didn’t ask any more questions and she seemed satisfied with that answer, but for weeks I looked for more tangible ways to teach her. Then a friend told me about a Christmas party her church was hosting at a nearby group home, and they were looking for some help. So I signed us up.

So here we are, at the party, and it’s time to make a craft. My oldest daughter volunteers to help a woman whose hands won’t stop trembling. And soon others need help assembling their foam gingerbread houses, too. So my girl, Lilla, and I, we peel back stickers and find red doors and attach snowy chimneys, and we walk around the tables praising their work.

“Can I take this home and put it on my dresser?” Billy looks up at me hopeful, and I tell him that’d be the perfect place, and Lilla nods shyly in agreement.

Then Kim, whose birthday is tomorrow and she hasn’t stopped smiling, asks me for a cup of coffee, and when I go to the counter to get it, Lilla asks if she can take it to her.

I hand the steaming styrofoam cup to my daughter and kiss her forehead, telling her to be careful, the coffee is hot. And for the next twenty minutes she’s pouring lemonade and delivering coffee and plating cookies and pretzels and chips, and she’s never looked more like her daddy than she does right now, doing what they both do best: helping people.

The band’s playing again, and I look around the room. My oldest and her best friend are dancing barefoot in the back of the church, but I don’t see the turquoise coat anywhere, the one Lilla’s been wearing all afternoon.

But there, in the front row, I see a ponytail, her coat hanging on the back of the chair, her feet swinging under her seat. She’s surrounded by enthusiastic air guitarists dancing happy, and she’s sitting among them with a plate full of barbeque chips, and anyone who knows her knows that’s when she’s happiest, too.

And I know Christmas is still two weeks away, but already I’ve seen Emmanual come. God is with us. He’s here in this church, in the faces of the people we’ve met, with their missing teeth and disheveled clothes and broken brains. He is here.

And when my girls and I, when we reach out to help them, to help Him, He moves into our hearts and blesses us all. We are wrapped together in love.

And I can’t think of a better gift to give my daughters this Christmas than that.

“What you did to the least of these, you have done to me…” (Mt 25:40)

When You’re Tempted to Buy Your Own Kid’s Press

She hangs her heart on the wall while a steady stream of people walk by.

“Did you draw this?” They ask the small girl perched in the corner, the one who can’t stop drawing for a second, not even tonight when her art’s on public display.

“Yes,” she says shyly, smiling under the rim of that black hat.

“Wow,” they say again and again, bedazzled like the peace sign covering her head.

And again with a timid smile she responds humbly,”Thank you.”

Rainey @ Art Show

Rainey @ Art Show

I stand at a safe distance, close enough to hear these conversations but far enough to allow her some space, some breathing room in a room crowded with artists, buyers, and friends.

Others ask, “are these for sale?” and she looks over at me, eyes dancing in my direction, and I mouth the words we talked about, the ones her dad and I agreed on at the last minute, and she replies, “No, they’re just for show.”

I sense the disappointment in her voice, even though I can barely hear it above the clamor of the studio. She wants to sell some of her art, so people can enjoy it, she tells me, so she can donate the proceeds to school children in Haiti. And I understand her ambition. I appreciate her motives.

But after an hour at this place, I’m unwavered. I’m happily standing my ground.

Because art buyers have stopped by and they’ve handed me their cards. They’ve told me to call them, to set up meetings at their galleries. Prominent artists talk business with her dad and me, offering advice on what to sell and for how much, calling her a “commodity” who’s painting us “gold bricks.” And it leaves us stunned, overwhelmed, our heads spinning.

Rainey @ Art Show

Rainey @ Art Show

Even after the show, after we’ve packed up the car, stopped at Dairy Queen, and driven the fifty miles home, after we’ve congratulated her a hundred times and tucked her in bed, we’re still dizzy. Our eyes close, but we can’t sleep.

The next day we get online, we search for art schools in the city, the ones we’re told she needs to attend, the ones with a seven percent acceptance rate, and I reconsider selling her art to pay the tuition. I’m caught up in the hype, in the hussle to groom her and get ahead of the competition.

Less than a week ago we were frantically scanning the walls, surveying sketchbooks, and searching drawers, desks, and refrigerator doors to find her very best pieces, the kitchen table disappearing under a pile of canvases and cut-outs. Miles and money racked up as we traveled to various craft stores buying frames and matting, foam board and glue spots, easels and cardstock.

Rainey's Art

Rainey's ArtRainey's Art

I called my mom the day before the exhibition, anxious, jittery, a hairy ball of stress.

“I don’t know why I’m such a basket case,” I tried explaining to her. “It’s Rainey’s show, and she’s fine. I’m the one who’s a mess.”

“Do you think it’s because she’s growing up?” my mom asked calmly. “Because her dreams are coming true?”

And I knew she was on to something, I knew she had a point. Becoming an artist is all my daughter’s ever talked about, all she’s ever wanted since she first drew that picture of a one-eared pig when she was two. And her dreams are fragile, like her, and worth protecting. But there was more to it than that.

I close the laptop now, and think about this a dozen more times – at the grocery store, during dinner, while decorating the house for Christmas the night after the show. And when I tuck myself in bed, when I prop up my pillows and open my Advent devotions, I’m relieved to see a mother who can relate.

Her name is Mary, and the baby she’s expecting is Pretty Important, too. He’s got big plans, big dreams, dreams that will one day save the world. But what does Mary do about it? Does she freak out like me? Does she call the papers and line up the interviews, maybe billboard His big debut?

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. – Luke 2:19

And when He’s a little bit older, only a couple years past my daughter’s age, when He, too, wows the crowd and amazes everyone at the Temple, her response is the same:

But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.  – Luke 2:51

And slowly, like a work of art hanging in a gallery, the big picture comes into view, bringing with it the peace and perspective stolen from me the past few days.

I remember that my children belong to Him. And they’re not here to impress people, to prove they’re important, or to promote themselves. They’re not here even to be relevant or successful by the world’s standards. They’re here to please Him.

And somehow knowing this brings me tremendous freedom. Freedom to treasure the amazing experience we shared Friday night with our daughter, to ponder who she is and all she hopes to be. And to pray that His dreams for all of our children will someday come true.

“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillent of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing.” – Oswald Chambers

One Thousand Gifts (18-27)

His name is Ken, and we meet under the most unusual circumstances.

It’s Saturday, and the Montour Preserve is hosting a Wildlife Artist Expo. I drive my oldest – the one who announced at her preschool graduation that she wanted to be a wildlife artist when she grew up – the scenic twenty minutes it takes to get there, past the farmer’s market, the Amish boys behind horse-drawn plows, the towering smokestacks of the power plant.

We arrive at the environmental education center where she shyly tucks her sketch pad under her fleece, a strange combination of eagerness and embarassment about showing off her work to the “real” artists inside. We enter the modest room where bird calls are coming from a CD player in the back, where a dozen or so exhibitors are set up, displaying ducks and wild turkeys carved from wood, oil paintings of winter scenes and white-tailed buck, and photographs of blue jays, cardinals, and red-bellied woodpeckers.

“This is awesome,” she whispers to me, and all eyes turn to watch this little girl, fascinated, as she slowly and carefully takes a closer look at each creation.

A photographer engages her in pleasant conversation about the life stages of a butterfly, the amazing metamorphisis he’s captured on film, and another offers her a complimentary portrait of three blue jays feeding on an old tree stump after she blushes and bares a few samples from her slightly concealed portfolio.

“To encourage her budding talent,” he tells us.

She thanks him silly, and we walk past more wood carvings, more watercolors and more smiling, friendly artists. We almost complete the circle around the room, the keys are in my hand ready to leave, but something catches her eye.

It’s a small table, not much bigger than a card table, and a few neutral-colored frames are spread out across its surface. She takes a few steps towards it, and suddenly she’s waving me closer. I’m by her side now, crouching low, and I’m intrigued, too, when I see several highly-detailed pictures painted on the faces of autumn leaves.

The artist is nowhere to be seen, just a framed picture of a young man and his bio accompany the display. So Rainey starts firing questions at the woman monitoring the table instead.

“How does he preserve each leaf? What kind of paint brushes does he use? What kind of paint? Does he use a magnifying glass? How old is he? How does he find all those leaves?”

The woman smiles politely at Rainey’s enthusiasm, and looks around the room before lowering her voice and leaning in closer to say, “Actually, it’s kind of a sad story.”

She tells us the story of Ken, the tale of a troubled childhood, of an abandoned man-boy, and how he taught himself to paint just six years ago at the age of 22. Cindy, the woman behind the table telling us the story, met Ken through a prison ministry, and she and her husband quickly “adopted” him and encouraged him to pursue his new hobby. Now Ken, who relies solely on the leaves that blow into the prison yard, spends his days behind bars painting nature scenes on his chlorophyl-faded canvases, and Cindy spends hers quietly showing them to the world.

The story captivates both of us, the paintings take on a whole new beauty, and I want to reach out and squeeze this woman, this spiritual mother, who’s taken a budding artist, like mine, under her wing, too.

But Rainey picks a framed leaf instead, the one with a tiny, fluffy duckling swimming in a pond, and we pay a small price, knowing that what little money Ken earns from it he will probably use to buy art supplies, and we thank Cindy for her time, for her story, and for her ministry to the least of these.

Leaf

The whole way home, as I watch the farms and fields around me falling asleep, the last of the autumn leaves giving way to winter, I can’t help but think of Ken and Cindy and how, like nature and its seasons, we witnessed a change that afternoon, the kind that can transform a human heart when it knows it is really, truly loved, and it makes me offer thanks…

Field in Fall

Tree in Fall

Leaf

Homemade Drumset

Dirty hands with worm

Littlest Helper

Littlest Helper

Open the Front Door

18. For what has been and what’s to come.

19. How God can open doors, even prison doors, for new life to enter in, for beauty to shine out.

20. Sisters helping each other with morning chores.

21. Back pain that brings me to my knees.

22. Friends who answer the call to travel to faraway places to be His hands and feet, for inspiring my daughter to do the same.

23. Homemade drumsets.

24. Girls night in.

25. Made-up words (That one’s for you, Candace.).

26. Dirt-caked hands busy in the garden, young yardwork helpers.

27. Front doors open wide on a warm November day…

{Pssst…if you would like to send Ken a card in prison to lift his spirits this Christmas, shoot me an email and I’ll send you his address.}

One Thousand Gifts

We are…not Penn State

Some things hit closer to home than others.

Like the case of this week’s news surrounding the child sex abuse scandal at Pennsylvania State University.

I grew up with Nittany Lions in my backyard. Half my graduating class either applied to or attended Penn State or one of its many satellite campuses. Paw prints and HPV magnets are stuck on hundreds of cars around here.

I’ll never forget the joke my seventh grade science teacher told us almost every Friday afternoon in the fall: Why is the sky blue and white?

Because God’s a Penn State fan.

But we never really cheered for those colors, my family and I. We were Patriots fans, Red Sox, Celtics. We didn’t root for the home team, so to speak.

And today, as I sit here reading over the reports, the horrifying, painful details of each victim’s allegations, I’ve never been less of a fan. And I doubt God is either.

How could He be when innocent children were so frighteningly violated? When the people who were supposed to protect them didn’t? When the whistles that blew every day on the field fell silent off of it?

I don’t get it. And I don’t get why we’re not more outraged. Like on facebook. I’ve heard more complaints about the time change than I have from the locals about this scandal. How can that be?

It reminds me of when Rainey was in first grade. The school was hosting a “Keep Me Safe” program for kids that gently talked about the issue of sexual abuse. Parents were welcome and even encouraged to attend, especially if they had any questions or concerns regarding this sensitive topic.

I was the only one who showed up.

If anything, I wanted Rainey to know that I was there, that I was an advocate, that I’d always be her safe place to run.

We talked about that this afternoon when we were driving home from our homeschool co-op, after she overheard me tell someone about my current status as a Penn State fan.  She asked me why. Instead of brushing it off, I decided to dive in discreetly.

“A former football coach has been accused of doing bad things to some children,” I explained.

“Like what?” she wondered.

Carefully, I replied, “he touched them where no one should ever touch a child. Do you know what I mean?”

“In their private parts?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said, “and some people knew he was doing this, some people even saw him doing it, and they never went to the police. They tried to keep it one big secret.”

“Why wouldn’t they tell?” she seemed as flabbergasted as me.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But that’s why I’m so upset. It was bad enough that this man did those things to children. But for other people to know about it and do nothing, that’s just as awful.”

We talked for several more minutes, reviewing what she’s to do in the unimaginable event someone ever tried to do the same thing to her. And I reassured her that she can always come to me, no matter what. No secrets allowed.

“But what if the person holds a gun to your head?” she asked when I vowed to go to the police if I knew someone did that to a child – mine or anyone else’s.

“Then I’d dare him to pull the trigger.”

I went on to clarify that most people who make threats like that are afraid of getting caught, that they’ll try anything to scare kids into not tattling.

“But you go right ahead and tattle. It’s okay, you’ve got my permission.”

We rode for a minute or two in silence, then she said, “I hope those boys aren’t really badly hurt.”

And something inside me ached – for the victims involved, for their parents, for myself. I tried to explain that no, those boys probably don’t have any bumps or bruises to show, no bandaids or bleeding, but their hearts were indeed hurt. That trust is something kids feel, too. And when that is damaged, it can hurt worse than any cut ever will.

“I don’t think I’m a Penn State fan, either,” she said quietly as we pulled into the driveway, and after putting the car in park, I turned around and looked at my daughter and said, “Let’s make a deal. I’ll root for you, and you root for me, and we’ll let God deal with Penn State, ok?”

We shook on it, and I held her hand tightly as we walked through the yard, praying she be kept safe from lions everywhere, nittany or otherwise.

When Your Kid’s the Last One Picked

Nobody likes a poor sport. Unless, of course, she’s your daughter.

For the second year in a row, Rainey is playing in a competitive soccer league, and that means, for the second year in a row, she sits on the bench. A lot. But she doesn’t seem to mind. 

“I like that my friends get to play instead,” she told me after one of her games recently.  Apparently she’s just happy to be a part of the team. 

It doesn’t help, though, that her tendency to be anxious and easily distracted is often magnified on the wide-open field.  When she should be paying attention, Rainey’s eyes are usually skyward, watching an airplane whiz by or guessing cloud formations.  Or sometimes she worries about Lilla, unable to hustle until she’s got a visual on her younger sister’s whereabouts on the sidelines. This lack of focus often translates into even more time riding the pine.

To complicate matters, I’m the assistant coach. And the hardest part of the job is keeping my mouth shut, especially when Rainey’s feet are on the field but her head is in the clouds. Every game I pledge to be positive, to cheer for Rainey and to keep from criticizing, but I fail. Often. Like the time I very publicly pointed out a mistake during one of her tournaments. I’ll never forget how she glared at me from her position and shouted, “Mom, why can’t you just encourage me instead?”

Or last Sunday, when she was warming up on the sidelines and accidentally kicked a ball onto the field during a play that was going in our favor, costing us an indirect kick. She instantly flushed red, and instead of recognzing her humiliation, I added to it by sternly instructing her to sit down on the bench.

Unfortunately, that’s where she stayed. For the rest of the game.

Because of her embarassment, she stubbornly refused to rotate into the game and relieve her tired teammates. So we rode home in silence that day, both of us too upset to speak. By evening I completely gave up on her young soccer career.

Before finally falling asleep that night, I decided I’d come down hard on Rainey in the morning. I’d force her to apologize to her teammates for her bad sportsmanship, and then I’d expect her to pay me back – in time and money – for every game she didn’t play her best. If she refused, I’d make her quit the sport she says she loves. I was adamanent, and she could tell I wasn’t kidding when I bull-headedly verbalized my demands to her the next day.

“No way!” she balked while making her bed, and within minutes, I knew I was getting nowhere. So I decided to take a walk with Wesley instead. While I pushed his stroller and huffed around the neighborhood, I prayed.

I prayed for this girl who drives me nuts sometimes. This girl whose favorite subject is daydreaming (she has the T-shirt). This girl who’s so sensitive I swear I can hear her spirit breaking. This girl who obviously cares more about her siblings than scoring goals.

And then I remembered this girl is not even a dozen years old, and this game is just a game. And the qualities that make her a bench warmer on the soccer team are the exact same qualities that make her a creative, caring, incredible human being.

I quickly turned the stroller around, and when I dashed through the front door, I found Rainey on the living room floor, reading, and I took her face in my cold hands, looked in her eyes and said, “Forget everything I just said to you about soccer. I was wrong. I love you for who you are, not for what you can do or what you’ll become, and that’s all that matters.”

“Does that mean I can go to my indoor game tonight?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes,” I replied, “and I promise to keep from interfering.”

“Thanks, Mommy,” she smiled, and later that night, she apologized to her teammates on her own and went on to play the best game I’ve ever seen her play.

Riding home, I was so proud and pleased with my daughter, I couldn’t help but pray out loud,

Lord, I’m so glad you’re not impressed with our abilities and status and human qualifications. I’m so happy you don’t expect perfect performance from us either. You know our limitations. You understand our weaknesses. Thank you for taking them all and making them into a beautiful design so that every accomplishment and victory – like the small one we witnessed tonight on the soccer field – clearly comes from You and Your power working in us. In Your name I pray, Amen.