Strictly for the Birds

Recently I gave Rainey a writing assigment:

Think back to when you had a happy experience and remember where you were and what happened. Were you alone or with someone else? When did this happen? What were your thoughts at the time, and what did people say? How did you feel? Write a story about that happy experience.

She chose to write about a field trip we took to a nature preserve a couple weeks ago, and she asked if I’d write about it, too. Below is the result, hers first, followed by mine. Enjoy!

by Rainey

I was just finishing my vocabulary when Mom said, “Who wants to go to the Montour Preserve?” I was so happy that I grabbed all of my nature journals.

“I haven’t been there in a long time,” I said to my little sister, Lilla. She grabbed her nature journals, too.

We all got in the car. At this point I was so excited I thought I was going to explode. With every mile I got more anxious. Finally we pulled into the parking lot. We were the only ones there.

When we went inside, it was cooler than I remembered. There were animal exhibits. I ran to the American Kestrel. I pushed a button and a narrator taught me about the kestrel. My mom also showed me Indian artifacts. As soon as I finished looking at the exhibit, Mom asked, “Rainey, remember this?”

I looked over to where Mom was pointing. It was a bird spotting area! Mom told me to walk slowly so I wouldn’t scare the birds away. I did, but the birds flew away anyway. After I sat down, I started to see birds coming out of the woods. Golden finches perched in the trees. Chickadees climbed in the bushes. Cardinals pecked at the ground with song sparrows. White-breasted nuthatches and woodpeckers ate away at corn in a feeder. I took a lot of pictures.

American Goldfinch

Cardinal

WoodpeckerAt last Mom said it was time to go. On the way home I thought about all the things I learned and saw. That afternoon we had some tea and peanut butter fudge and read more about birds.

“Let’s make our own bird feeder,” I suggested to Lilla. We ran outside to collect pine cones. We covered them in peanut butter and used cracker crumbs because we couldn’t find the bird seed. We hung them up and waited. Then we started to play.

“Let’s see if any animals ate our treats,” I said to Lilla later.

We found two pine cones missing.

“Our plan has been successful!” I cheered. I had a very fun day.

by Mom

I wake early to put another log on the fire while a hundred fifty miles west of here a rodent stands poised to prognosticate what I dread most: six more weeks of winter.

I make myself some chai in the dark, listen to the crackling fire, and wait for his “prediction.” Today’s forecast calls for unseasonably mild temperatures, and with a relatively snowless winter so far, I’m pretty confident spring is on its way.

But moments later Phil disagrees, and I shake my head in disgust. I never did like groundhogs. But I forge ahead with my day, determined not to let a century-old superstition bring me down.

After breakfast I tell the girls to grab their coats and nature journals, we’re going on a field trip. And you’d think I just announced we’re headed for Disney World, they’re that excited. Seems I’m not the only one around here with cabin fever.

We drive under cloudy skies to the nature preserve and have the whole place to ourselves, another perk of this homeschooling gig. We listen to the American Kestrel kiosk, identify the mammals of Montour County and trace the paths native tribes once traversed in these parts. Mostly, though, I watch my children explore, see where their curiousity takes them.

It takes my oldest around the corner, to the bird sanctuary where she spots a dozen or so birds feeding. She’s mesmerized, trying to capture them all on film.

Bird Sanctuary

Bird Feeder

Bird on BranchSong SparrowShe could stay all day, she even asks me to, but the dirty diaper and napping needs of my youngest hasten us home.

Later, during afternoon tea time, she reads about birds in winter, how they survive, what they eat, how they stay warm. She dons a labcoat from the dress-up chest, the one she labeled ”animal scientist” with fabric markers, then sketches the anatomy of a bird on the chalkboard. Next she gathers field journals from the downstairs bin.

I’ve retreated to the couch for a power nap, content with minds and bodies fed, while she gathers pinecones and slathers them with what’s left from our peanut butter jar. She sprinkles them with cracker crumbs and takes her treats outside, along with her sister, and waits for the birds to come. She waits and watches. She’s ditched her labcoat on the porch, those unseasonable temperatures rising. And all afternoon our backyard becomes the avenue aviary.

Back inside, I brush dirt and crumbs from the counters and wipe peanut butter smudges off the cupboard door and smile. I think of summer days, like the one last July, when I sat on our patio sipping sweet tea, studying scripture like she’s studying the wingspan of a woodpecker now. I was looking for some direction for our science curriculum this year, and I read this, and it deeply struck me:

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world – Psalm 19:1-4

I remember deciding right there and then that it’s not enough to teach my kids about birds and stars and seasons. It’s not enough to tell them that God created everything. A good teacher would inspire them to look for His fingerprints everywhere. A good teacher would lead them toward a life of wonder. A good teacher would make worship the ultimate lesson plan.

I’m not always that teacher. But some days I surprise myself (and them). Like today, which started out cold and cursed by rodents but ended up full of wonder and worship and warbling anyway.

I agree with Rainey. I had a very fun day, too.

How to Pray When Kids (and Grown-Ups) are Mean

This is a re-post of a piece I wrote last year. I wanted to include it in this week’s Practices of Parenting Carnival over at Emerging Mummy. Sarah Bessey was kind enough to invite other bloggers to share what we do (or try to do) to help us enjoy parenting, and for me, pointing my kids to Christ is what makes mothering not easy and sometimes not enjoyable but definitely worth it. I hope this post proves that.

I have this prayer I like force myself to pray when my feelings have been hurt. A friend gave it to me a few years ago when I was deeply offended by someone I cared about, and on several occasions since then, especially when I’m terribly tempted to feel sorry for myself, I open my prayer journal, and turn to this page:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

(Litany of Humility, by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X)

Praying this litany is hard enough when I’m hurting, but praying it for my children when they are hurting, too, is almost unbearable. And I should know. I tried to this morning.

Without getting into the specifics, one of my daughters was recently wounded by a friend. She was feeling insulted and ignored, excluded and picked over, and she came to me for help. Truthfully, after hearing her story, my first instinct was to drive to the offender’s house, take her by the ankles and hurl her through the air like a discus. But the sensible, law-abiding, side of me stayed with my daughter, rubbing her back, listening.

Once she quieted down, with eyes red and swollen from crying, she searched my face for sage advice.

At this point, I knew I had a choice as a parent. I could counsel my daughter to be strong, to squash her sensitivities and seek revenge. I could tell her to ditch this friend and find a new one, someone who’d appreciate and admire her unique personality, her silly sense of humor. I could also offer to drive to the friend’s house, take her by the ankles and hurl her through the air like a discus.

But, instead, the words I chose to say were these:

“I know how hurt you must be, Sweetheart, and I’m so sorry that your friend did that to you. Have you considered taking your pain to Jesus? He’s the only one who can properly handle your heart.”

She hugged her pillow, took a choppy breath in, and shook her head.

“I know you want to protect yourself, to build up walls around your heart where you think you will be safe, but again, I’d ask you to consider taking your fear to Jesus. He’s the only one who really knows how to protect us.”

She still didn’t say anything. She usually doesn’t when she knows I might be right. So we prayed. We prayed for her heart and her pain, for Jesus to rush in and hold those pieces together that felt like they were breaking apart, and we asked that he’d help us trust him to keep our hearts safe. Then we prayed for her friend, for forgiveness and for the places in her heart where she may be wounded, too, because hurt people hurt people, and she could probably use a little healing herself.

After that, we talked a little longer, giggled a little louder, and snuggled long past the fireflies came out. But this morning when I woke up, with the situation still fresh on my mind and heavy on my heart, I turned to that old tattered page in my journal and prayed, but this time, a little differently.

“From the desire of my children being loved,
From the desire of my children being preferred,
From the desire of my children being approved, Deliver me, Jesus…

“From the fear of my children being despised,
From the fear of my children being forgotten,
From the fear of my children being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus…

“That others may be loved more than my children, that others may be chosen andmy children set aside, that others may be preferred to my children in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.”

And it was the worst thing I’ve ever prayed. It not only felt unnatural, it felt sickening, like I was laying down their lives on the slab of sacrifice, giving approval to their death.

But by praying this way for myself and my children, I realized God’s not asking me to invite insults and abuse into our lives; he’s asking me to live in total confidence of his love and protection for us when those injuries inevitably come. I’m not placing their hearts on that slab but in the security of God’s love which he so clearly demonstrated by giving up his own Son for us all.

And for the first and probably only time in my life, I understood a little bit what it’s like to be him.

EmergingMummy.com

What are You Waiting for?

This morning I read from the vantage point of Moses and Aaron, of the woman with a bleeding problem, of Jairus whose daughter was dying. And all of them could say their circumstances, the problems they were facing, were growing worse not better.

Pharoah and his brick-making, back-breaking impositions. The woman and her never-ending bloody stream of shame. Jairus and his now-dead daughter.

Yet Jesus speaks so clearly to them, and to me, when it looks like things couldn’t possibly get any worse: “Do not fear, only believe.”

Believe what? I’ve cried a thousand times. Lord, give me something to believe in when it looks like my world is falling apart, when the other shoe is dropping.

And He answers (He really answers!):

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
Wait for the Lord!
(Psalm 37:1,13-14)

Wait. Wait until Pharoah gets over himself and his pride. Wait twelve years, twelve long years of suffering at the hands of dumbfounded doctors and public shame. Wait for the Teacher to wrap up his business in the crowd while your daughter gets sicker and sicker.

Waiting is hard. It is so freaking hard. And it hardly ever seems worth it in the waiting.

But, every word of God proves true and God is good. As you live and breathe and wait, God is good.

Believe it because one day the captives will be set free, the woman healed, and the daughter made alive and well again.

What problem are you facing today that, from earth’s vantage point, is looking worse not better? How will believing that God is good make the waiting not easy but maybe easier?

Where to Find Me

She finds me on my knees this morning and wonders why. Why I come here before the sun comes up, before the laundry and the lessons and the dishes pile up, before her little brother wakes up and beckons me from his crib. When a fresh coat of white still covers the driveway outside my window, when I can’t sleep another minute, she asks me why I come to this place.

Where to Find Me

It’s cold down here and certainly not comfortable, especially this time of year, when thermostats are set to sixty and the joints are stiff.

But it’s low, “about as low as you can get in this house,” I tell her. And that’s important to me. It’s quiet, too, a rarity under this roof with constant kids and pets and pots and pans banging, life on parade.

Where to Find Me

I come this morning with a sick spirit, and maybe it’s all those parenting books I’m reading, the ones that inspire yet intimidate. Or all those episodes of Little House on the Prairie she’s making me watch, the ones where Ma might possibly be the Best Mother on Earth. And I’m feeling a bit like a failure, a tad overwhelmed.

I’m feeling the pressure to make my kids turn out right. To make sure they’re well fed and well read and polite and kind, that they won’t smoke or do drugs or marry a jerk. That they’ll wash their hands after they flush and know the value of a dollar and memorize lots of scripture so hopefully, God, hopefully they won’t turn out like me someday.

Where to Find Me

I lay my head on the antique chest, the one filled with her dress-up clothes, by the quilt which bears my name, and I pour out my heart to the One who always hears. I tell Him all my dirty little secrets, all my petty concerns and fears, and confess my complete lack of faith in myself to raise my children well.

I go on and on until my knees start to ache, so I open up my journal and jot down the date and write the names of each of my children. I sit there for a while then scribble that they’d know they are sinners in need of a Savior. Forget good hygiene or academic excellence. This is what I decide they need more than anything else today.

Where to Find Me

That’s when I turn around and find her standing there in the doorway staring at me, her eyes still heavy with sleep, her hair looking like she’s slept with a flock of ducks.

“What are you doing?” she asks in a sleepy voice.

“Praying,” I answer, motioning her to come sit beside me.

“Why here?” she asks as she snuggles into my lap.

And I tell her this is where I come to humble myself, to kneel down low and admit I need help, especially on mornings like this when I feel like the Worst Mother on Earth. I show her the dog-eared Bible and the journal I’ve kept for years, the books that lend words when I can’t find the right ones to pray. And I tell her she’s welcome to come use it anytime she wants, too.

She smiles sweet, hugs me, then gets up to toast some frozen waffles.

Later, after she flips out over incomplete Latin lessons and sentences herself to a summer’s worth of schoolwork, after she slams a dozen doors and I text my resignation to the husband-principal, she walks into the dining room red-eyed and weary.

“Mom,” she says sniffling, “how do I ask God for help?”

And I take her by the hand and lead her through the kitchen, down the stairs and around the corner to that old familiar trunk. And for the second time today, we kneel together on that cold carpeted floor, two sinners in need of a Savior, banging on Heaven’s door again.

I know there are lots of prayer guides out there, but here are a few I use almost daily in my prayer time. Just click on any of the links below to download a free, printable copy.

Daily Prayer
31 Days of Prayer for Your Child
31 Days of Praying for Your Husband
A Prayer for Casting Our Burdens Upon the Lord
Scripture Prayers for the Lost

When All Your Plans Fail

One by one they fall to the ground. Twenty-six letters hung so carefully, so precisely, six months ago litter the floor of our basement this morning, turning a cute addition to our school room’s decor into a thorn in my side.

Damn you, Pinterest.

I push the alphabet posters against the puddy for the umpteenth time this week and think about plans, how all of mine seem to be taking the plunge lately, too. The playdate plagued by puking. The luncheon delayed by a busted dishwasher. The writing retreat derailed by a dropped laptop.

And, like the letters, it drives me just the tiniest bit insane.

Maybe it’s because I have control issues I’m organized, I like things to be in order, and when something or someone disturbs my schedule, I freak out a lot little. Or maybe it’s because I like things to be perfect pretty. I like my fancy charts and posters and lists. I like my HGTV and decorating blogs and Pottery Barn catalogs.

But maybe I like them a little bit too much?

“Life is an illusion,” my mom always says, and maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m just wasting my time. Because if I can’t make a couple of lousy letters stick to my wall, what makes me think I can stick to a budget? Stick with my marriage? Stick with these kids and this homeschooling thing? If everything falls apart eventually, why bother trying to make life look good or work out or run smoothly?

This is where I land when I’m done hanging the letters. I feign apathy. But in a few hours, when C, G, L and V are on the ground again and no one in this house is following My Plan for the Day, I fight anger and anxiety, like cardboard fighting gravity, and I put myself in time-out before I completely crash and burn.

And in my room I read:

Learn to trust Me when things go “wrong.” Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweight them all.

And then:

Approach this day with awareness of who is Boss. As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I who orchestrate the events of your life…On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different from what you expected…Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling).

And I wonder, is this what my daughter meant the other day when she said, ”sometimes Plan B is better?”

But then I see this:

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

And it’s right there in black and white, proof that I’m not that crazy. I know there’s a reason why I crave perfection and all its Crate-and-Barrel-y beauty:

I was created for it, from the very beginning. 

But then we had to go and get kicked out of Eden, and everything’s been unraveling ever since, so I spend most of my days running around like a lost child longing for home, and I forget to trust Him and His plan to make the world perfect again some day.

And somehow knowing this makes it okay later when the package I needed yesterday never arrives, when the date night turns disasterous, when the vowels start falling from the sky again.

Somehow I know it’s not the end of the world. But, sweet Jesus, I can’t wait until it is.

My One Word for 2012: Wisdom

All I see when we set out in the pre-dawn morning is the blinking yellow light around my wrist. The neighborhood is quiet, the smart ones are still sleeping, but she and I, we take off into the cold, crisp darkness together, sharing the road, sharing our hearts.

We run slow, it’s been several weeks for me since I last ran. But once we summit that hilly avenue, we settle into a comfortable pace, an easy conversation.

We talk about kids and husbands and homeschooling. About houses and habits and hang-ups. And this is what we do best, this is how we do life together, by bearing each other’s burdens while pounding the pavement. The last time we did this here, it saved my life.

I’m in better shape now, not so much physically, thanks to that beautiful baby boy, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

But I could still use a bit of direction, a lot of hope, for the coming year.

“I’m so overwhelmed,” I confide as we round the corner past the old elementary school, “and I have no idea where to start.”

She’s quiet at first, she always is, never wanting to say the wrong thing. And then she says it: wisdom.

Just last night we decided to do another Bible study together, this one focused on the book of Proverbs. And it got me excited. So excited it explains this crazy, crack-of-dawn jogging. Even before we laced up, we sat in my Christmas tree-lit living room, hovering over her laptop, sharing headphones while listening to a Beth Moore podcast.

And this is what she references now, as we cool down, as the sun starts to rise. She reminds me that Solomon, when offered anything by God, asks for wisdom. He knew he’d need it – above anything else – to rule God’s people effectively.

And I know I need it, too. To educate my children, to strengthen my marriage, to manage my time and money and emotions. To fix my faucets and bite my tongue and let go of that pesky compulsion to control. Wisdom just might be the single most important thing I need to improve my life – and the lives of the people He put in it – this year.

We walk through the front door, reinvigorated, kicking off our shoes and peeling off our layers, and the reflector on my wrist, still blinking bright and steady, catches my eye. It makes me think of all the ways I’m desperate for wisdom to guide me through the days and weeks and months ahead.

“The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” (Proverbs 4:7)

One Thousand Gifts: The Christmas Edition (64-96)

The first day of the new year finds me on my hands and knees, scrubbing toilets, wiping down the damage done by a hard holiday week. Company came, we celebrated, and then, one after another, for six straight days, nine of them got sick. Even the dog threw up.

I wish I could say I had fun anyway, that it was a holy and happy Christmas in spite of the disgusting circumstances, but I can’t. At least not easily.

But I guess that’s where eucharisteo comes in, this practice of counting gifts. That even in the rankest of situations, joy is still possible – by giving thanks anyway.

And so, with sponge in hand, I thank Him for:

Wes @ Airport

Rainey on Escalator

Unexpected Christmas Carolers

Sleepover with Nana

Cousins on Christmas Eve

Letters to Santa

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Christmas Morning Smiles

Big Toys for Big Boys

Re-gifting on the Spot

Homemade Coasters

In-laws and babies

Piercing Her Ears

Pierced!

Park

Park

 

Park

Big, Brown EyesFlowers

64. Airports and escalators, and waiting for Nana to arrive

65. Unexpected Christmas carolers

66. Sleepovers with Nana

67. Cousins together in jammies on Christmas Eve

68. Letters to Santa, still believing

69. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, read on an iBook

70. Late-night wrapping blitz, presents under the tree before midnight

71. Christmas morning smiles

72. Big toys for big boys

73. Re-gifting on the spot

74. Her handwritten letter to me and homemade coasters declaring this truth

75. A friend praying me through the madness…and delivering brown sugar on Christmas

76. In-laws, outlaws, and baby boys and girls

77. A dishwasher that works, a hot water heater that holds up, and a fridge full of food

78. Stealing an early morning hour with her, sharing headphones, the road, and our hearts

79. Finally getting that feather in her hair

80. Pierced ears!

81. Her courage, Nana’s hand so I could capture it on film

82. The hospitality of a friend – during naptime – welcoming us in anyway

83. Her willingness to take six kids to a matinee

84. Fresh air, fun times at the neighborhood park

85. Getting lost in those big, brown eyes

86. Long walks, turning away from old rutted paths, forging new ones

87. The three of us cruising our hometown “incognito”

88. Sock bun!

89. Ginger ale. Lots and lots of ginger ale.

90. New, yummy ways to pop popcorn for him

91. An ottoman’s new lease on life, thanks to her craftiness

92. A laundromat open on New Year’s Day and a husband willing to spend a few hours there

93. Clorox wipes

94. Hope rising

95. His work to rescue and transform me (read more here…)

96. Flowers delivered post-recovery (Thanks, guys!)

One Thousand Gifts